kficanon | part twenty five

part twenty five

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/hugs you

i'm always open to providing honest crit (good and bad) if the author is receptive so just shout me up

tell me what you think about 私 niyaowo
I'm up for everything

i've already encountered some of your writing in the past. you've written so much! i admire that. which works are you most proud of/most representative of you?

hehe thank you
I'm pretty confident with characterisation but I have problems with plot, prose, pm everything lol u_u

the ones I'm sorta proud of:
http://seouldout-fic.livejournal.com/95523.html
http://seouldout-fic.livejournal.com/98132.html
http://niyaowo.livejournal.com/2424.html#cutid8

my most recent one that I think is representative of a majority of my fics: http://niyaowo.livejournal.com/3216.html

thank you ❤

Title: Wonderwall
Fandom and Pairing: Baby Soul

Concise and carefully worded. Great job on that. The only technical changes (personal preference) I'd make are these:

She tucks a stray strand of hair behind her ear, ~~closing~~closes her eyes, and takes a deep breath.

Everyone in the crowd, everyone sitting behind the television screen, everyone in Woollim is expecting something more.
to
Everyone -- in the crowd, behind the television screen, Woollim -- everyone is expecting something more.

The repetition has more impact imo than the original version. I like that you're willing to repeat a word because what many writers don't realise is that a heavy hand with the thesaurus can be far more jarring. Repetition, not so much in a short fic like this, can also connect a piece and provide callbacks.

I like this: it's coherent, immediate and gets to the point. Always starting with an action scene can be boring and even contrived, but this isn't the case here.

I agree wholeheartedly on those changes~❤

Title: Subject to Change (lol is that the title or the fourth wall)
Fandom and Pairing: Infinite; Myungsoo-centric

I don't understand the extended metaphor. I can see you try for it, but the large chunky paragraph (which isn't bad in itself) doesn't relate well to the central idea overall. FOr example, you set up the picture-taking and you set up the skipping pebbles image then abandon it in the next sentence and that fragmentation weakens both understanding and coherency.

That's not to say subtlety isn't good; subtlety can often be more meaningful in the end because it invites the reader to form their own judgments. I like that you don't equte subtlety with purple prose (but by all means, evoke something pretty if you have a purpose for doing so). Experiments can work wonderfully and less wonderfully. This wasn't so bad, all in all.

I may read the other two tomorrow because I have to go now. Haha. Hope I helped.

haha.

what

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(Anonymous) - 2012-10-29 11:05 (UTC) - Expand

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(Anonymous) - 2012-10-29 11:08 (UTC) - Expand

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(Anonymous) - 2012-10-29 11:09 (UTC) - Expand

.....sorry i realised this wasn't as specific as it could have been. tiredness can do that oops? yea this was basically a series of thoughts because there's only so much you can pick a drabble apart.

❤ yes this definitely helped
thank you so much anon

二人はともだちだよ、でも本当は。。。私はあなたを好きなの。
じょだんじゃないよ。

ㅋㅋㅋ

キャ〜〜
あなたは本当に可愛いいいいい
愛してるね（＾ω＾）

チンチンたべる？

jk ilu unnir :*

da but lol anon やばいよ

やらないか

；）

lmao I had to google translate that
ily too ❤

lmao sorry my japanese is terribad u_u

lol no it's not that at all I just don't know any jap slang :3

anon i picked it up from watching yaoiz .____.

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(Anonymous) - 2012-10-29 10:13 (UTC) - Expand

first and foremost is practise, practise, practise. which is something you've already down very well.

so i just picked memento mori (http://niyaowo.livejournal.com/2653.html#cutid1) because i love the prompt and i've read it before. some easy fixes:
- if in doubt, active voice over passive. make it snappier. passive voice is very useful in certain instances but too often it can bog down your writing.
- showing (through images, sensory information, emotions) not telling
- is each motion, facial spasm, adverb truly necessary to describe? speed it up! i know i get bogged down in the sequence of events, and every so often i have to take a step back and go NOPE. CUTTING THAT OUT. this also foregrounds the important and/or interesting parts of your narrative. careful, selective storytelling also encourages the reader to read closer and consider each sentence as they progress.

e.g. the first paragraph:

~~Lu Han heard the crunch of leaves below his feet~~ The leaves crunched below Lu Han's feet and his wings disappeared into the wind. The first thing he noticed was how different Earth looked compared to a few hundred years ago. (I'd rewrite this completely: e.g. "Earth had become unrecognisable in mere centuries.") He really had slept too long ~~this time.~~ (show us! "The sunlight burned through the last vestiges of sleep.")

- a ctrl+f on "ly" brings up highlights everywhere. 90% of the time, a sentence that needs an adverb can be easily reworded to much greater effect. The use of terms such as "finally" and "after a moment" shows a sensitivity and rigidity in the sequence of time and also, if you find, often can be removed outright without changing the meaning of anything at all. readers aren't as sensitive as you think! although they can help in suspenseful scenes, other techniques such as using curt sentences can easily emulate that feeling.

- addendum: 'really' is weak. you want to use it in dialogue? if that is the character's voice and not your own, sure. still, try another word or cut it out entirely. economy is key. that's not to say you can't have your vivid descriptions, because if done thoughtfully you absolutely can.

- this is just a list of technicalities because you have a very strong foundation: interesting ideas, strong work ethic, a desire to improve. but technicalities are also part of the foundation! and often the most easily improved. i'll talk about these and more, including what i like, in another post.

tbc as i read the fics you've actually linked lol

ffs someone kick these tags for me

the strange thing is I had a beta who basically pulled that fic apart but she never addressed those issues (which were the issues I was interested in lol) thank you so so much (I am bookmarking this)

anticipating the rest \o/

;~; thank you anon~

what fandoms do you usually read for? just curious.

i have rough to detailed knowledge of all the 'main' ones except shinee and super junior. many nugus, including girl groups. to niyaowo, i'm still writing up a reply so look forward to it! :)

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