Concise and carefully worded. Great job on that. The only technical changes (personal preference) I'd make are these:
She tucks a stray strand of hair behind her ear, closingcloses her eyes, and takes a deep breath.
Everyone in the crowd, everyone sitting behind the television screen, everyone in Woollim is expecting something more. to Everyone -- in the crowd, behind the television screen, Woollim -- everyone is expecting something more.
The repetition has more impact imo than the original version. I like that you're willing to repeat a word because what many writers don't realise is that a heavy hand with the thesaurus can be far more jarring. Repetition, not so much in a short fic like this, can also connect a piece and provide callbacks.
I like this: it's coherent, immediate and gets to the point. Always starting with an action scene can be boring and even contrived, but this isn't the case here.
no subject
Fandom and Pairing: Baby Soul
Concise and carefully worded. Great job on that. The only technical changes (personal preference) I'd make are these:
She tucks a stray strand of hair behind her ear,
closingcloses her eyes, and takes a deep breath.Everyone in the crowd, everyone sitting behind the television screen, everyone in Woollim is expecting something more.
to
Everyone -- in the crowd, behind the television screen, Woollim -- everyone is expecting something more.
The repetition has more impact imo than the original version. I like that you're willing to repeat a word because what many writers don't realise is that a heavy hand with the thesaurus can be far more jarring. Repetition, not so much in a short fic like this, can also connect a piece and provide callbacks.
I like this: it's coherent, immediate and gets to the point. Always starting with an action scene can be boring and even contrived, but this isn't the case here.