kficanon | part thirty nine

part thirty nine

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right now i'm just struggling to write, period. i'm so hindered by my own brain and its ideas of how things should and shouldn't be and i just try to discard of everything like that and just try to put words on a fucking paper. i try not to keep any goals per se or dream very big because it makes me anxious, i try to keep it at a level where i can handle it and keep it fun and enjoyable. i try to experiment and keep an open mind and tell myself that what i write is good enough.

+1

we'll get through this, anon.

ik this is a writing meme and all... but have you considered that maybe writing isn't for you?
like any other craft (for ex painting, sculpting, theatre...) if you aren't a happy couple, let it go. to me your last sentence is a huge red flag because you're saying, "i have to be good at this in order to enjoy it." i admit fully i'm just another amateur but all the author advice i've seen has always been the other way around.

wow i had to think abt this for a while bec that question hurt a bit lol. i have been asking myself that question before and that time i had a minor personal crisis because writing is like the only thing i've been sure about for the last couple of years, that i want to write. and when you start questioning something like that, that has become like a part of who you are, it's like "wow wtf who am i". i think it would be weird tho that i'm always thinking about writing and always want to write, if i didn't want to do it. but maybe it goes deeper than that?

yes, i have to be good at writing to enjoy it. and in one way i think that's not strange, that you want to be good at what you're doing. it's not fun struggling with something you suck at, right? but at the same time, i realize that that's the problem. and telling myself "this is good enough" is my way of getting around that. it lets me put my perfectionism aside and actually write, which is what it's all about because if i don't write i can't practice writing and actually get better right? and it lets me enjoy it more. maybe i should rather tell myself "this doesn't have to be good" but idk, maybe i can't do that in this situation, maybe that's a too big step to take. and frankly, if "this is good enough" has the same effect, does it matter? maybe it does. it probably affects my way of thinking about it, yes. but i can't just change my way of thinking. bottom line this perfectionism affects a lot of parts of my life so ik i've got stuff to work on ik u__u

i've sort of stopped looking at author advice tbh, because nothing said can ever apply to everybody and i find that you just have to pick the raisins out of the cake and find the stuff that applies to you and helps you, and ignore the rest otherwise it'll drive you mad. frankly most of those advice just make me feel pressured and stressed. changing your view from "i have to be good at this to enjoy it" to "i have to enjoy this to be good at it" is a whole lot easier said than done, and no offence to you but it feels like such a flippant thing to say. (lol i'm srsly pressed at all the advice telling me i have to do this or that, it just makes me angry u__u)

understandable, but i'm not sorry.

who do you write for? about your perfectionism, it seems you've found some right answers. yes, when you repeat "this is good enough" and hide again you're not doing yourself any good. at the same time i don't think you're on the right track. most people's first drafts are trash. the reason others don't think it's shit is because before that trash hits press it gets reread, cut to pieces, refined, sometimes several times in the case of novels. and it sounds to me like you're vomiting onto a page like everybody else and hoping for the scent of roses. tell me if i'm wrong.

despite all that that wasn't the point i was trying to make, earlier. the point was: you talk about wanting to write and trying to enjoy it but above all, do you enjoy writing, the joy of telling a story, or merely the idea of being a writer?

i didn't mean that you should be sorry, this is my own problem and i have to handle my own reactions.

i'm not writing to be published tho, that's so far down the line that i don't even think about it. i'll admit that i'm not good at editing. there's so many ways that you can choose to put things and frankly all the choices and making decisions are stressful to me, and that's where the "good enough" part comes in. it lets me be somewhat satisfied with what i've put on paper so i can move on, finish the story, post the fic or whatever. i don't necessarily think that's a bad thing, if it keeps me going. i still learn from it. it's like i don't even dare to vomit over the page in the first place bec i'm afraid of what's going to come out so i'm like, whatever helps me through that is fair enough, whatever works. whatever makes me type things. and if writing is so strenous to me that writing several drafts and extensive editing is not even on the map then i'm not gonna strive for that, i'm just gonna try to settle with what i have and try to enjoy that, or i will be stuck overanalyzing words to the end of time. it feels good being able to feel somewhat good about yourself, it strengthens the spirit, the self-esteem. so maybe i'll dare to vomit more in the future.

idk if i enjoy writing since it's so hard. i enjoy it when it's going well lol. and i enjoy telling stories. but the process of telling a story isn't, you know, just telling a story.

doesn't matter if you're not writing to be published. like, clearly you want to be good (better) at writing and revision is just a part of that. for me, it's the most important part because even though i hate it it's 50% of how i improve (the other 30% and 20% is reading and writing fyi) and the reward is completely worth it. i get that everybody's different but not by that big of an extent; without exception, every writer i admire does the same thing. a good beta or editor might help? an anon mentioned a meme writing group. don't pick a friend and try to send complete things or else you're not going to build a strong work ethic. if you work it right, it isn't even a thing you aim for, it's a thing that happens as you write. oh and before you even think about line edits (word choice, grammar etc) worry about the big picture first, for e.g. how's the pacing? how does this scene contribute to the story i'm trying to tell? does the plot even make sense?

whatever the case, you seem passionate about writing and i'm really happy for you. keep going as you say if you think it's what will help you most, but i hope you keep your mind open. you've said it yourself, you're a perfectionist, and i don't think that mindset will last you forever.

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part thirty nine

Re: self-improvement

Re: self-improvement

Re: self-improvement

Re: self-improvement

Re: self-improvement

Re: self-improvement

Re: self-improvement