kficanon | part thirty four

part thirty four

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meme this is triggery and i'm sorry to unload but my emotions have been such a rollercoaster recently and i just. the highs have been good perhaps to the point of mania, i don't know i haven't been diagnosed, but the lows are like trudging through a fetid cess pool and they never come with any reason. spontaneous. and then i reflect back on myself and who i am and start to hate, my personality, my lack of drive, so many things i can't describe. not all of me so much as the most fundamental parts of me. i know these are common feelings. i'm getting help. sometimes... sometimes i wish i could do more.

will probably regret this in the morning, as usual

if you're already getting help anon, you're moving in a really good direction. you'll get there, i promise. when you say you wish you could do more though, what do you mean?

maybe. i'll be getting along then relapse out of the blue, and wow to (feel like i) erase months of progress in a single day is gutting like you wouldn't believe. every time i hike up the cliff, i'm stupid enough to step right off and end up exactly where i was. the view is nice while it lasts, i guess. sorry for the pretentious analogies, it's just hard to define my feelings at the moment.

i wish i could do more by stop being so sensitive, critical, self-centred. make the leap between acknowledging and acting. grow in the direction i want to grow in. immerse myself in an environment i can thrive in. rationally i know this is nothing but a disorder in brain chemistry. but the brain is never easily made rational.

but it's not quite months of progress, is it? even if you step right off, because you've been climbing higher each time, you're not falling quite as far. it's slow and it's so hard and it's painful every time you fall, but you have to remind yourself that each time, it'll take you longer to fall. and you'll never be where you were when you first started, because you've changed. you're aware that you're falling. you know how to get back up. your analogies aren't pretentious at all, you're just describing your experience the best you can, and it makes sense.

you really sound painfully self-aware, anon. the good thing is that you know where you want to go. the brain really is rarely rational, but you're also emotionally aware of where you want to be. i won't tell you it's only a matter of time, because that answer feels so empty sometimes. trying to get to where you want to be is a really long, hard journey, and it is going to really suck most of the time. but you know what you want. you just have to find the path to get there, and since you're already getting help, you'll find it even faster. i believe in you, okay?

i...

there are no words to express how grateful i am to you. i think i'll settle for: thank you. what you say is so illuminating and encouraging; i promise, i'll try to hold fast to this new perception of my journey through life. so to speak.

and i am. very much so. it is one of my best and worst traits. thank you for your insights. thank you for avoiding the path of blind optimism. thank you again.

/hugs you long and tight

hugs you back c: thank you. the husky is so sweet. you are sweeter.

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part thirty four

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXo3NFqkaRM

Re: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXo3NFqkaRM